WALT: Entertain
My writing goal this term was to
Linking idlers between paragraphs and idears.
SUCCESS CRITERIA
Paragraphing
My writing is organised into paragraphs, each with it’s own idea or ‘scene.’
Structure
I have organised and sequenced my ideas into paragraphs for purpose and effect.
TASK: craft a free-choice piece of writing that shows how I am developing my goal
My Draft
Glus was silently waiting for Tom, like a henya hunting it's prey. As Tom sprinted into the enormous cavern the first thing he noticed was the Snow white walls that were dotted with tall towering pillars supporting the roof's heavy weight. As his eyes were adjusting to the brilliant white, Glus saw Tom and drew back his mouth revealing thousands of pointy, jagged fangs. With numb fingers he fumbled at his leather sheath, pulling out his heavy sword. Glus immediately gave chase.
Immediately Tom sprinted for a tall, towering pillar. Slowly climbing up the pillar Tom began to crawl on the beams using his hands and legs being careful not to fall off. Glus came after Tom in a hot pursuit. The slithering serpent was gaining on Tom. Legend says that the diamond was amongst the shimmering jewels that filled the golden crown Glus was wearing. Taking a peak behind him Tom saw that Glus was not wearing the crown so where was it? Desperately Tom crawled for his life. Tom stopped dead , there in the middle the golden encrusted crown like it was waiting for him, with the diamond in the very centre."So Glus had not worn his crown after all" thought Tom.
Tom stood up took a daring leap and lunged for the crown.
The moment of hesitation had gave Glus an enormous advantage over him. Glus's body was all over the beams now. As Tom snatched the crown a fang came down and crushed the centre platform. Dust and chunks of marble and stone rained down like thundering rain. "A second later and that could of been me" thought Tom grimly. Glus got ready to strike again. Fangs bared Glus slowly began to approach Tom. Tom backed up but his feet only touched thin air. "This is the end" tom thought. Suddenly Bob jumped out of no where and slashed Glus belly. Swaying violently back and forward and roaring in agony Glus gave a mighty final roar and fell to the ground. Dead. Treasure was flying everywhere and so was blood from Glus dead body. Distracted by the blood soaked Treasure Tom began to wonder. Splattered with blood Tom asked Bob how he had managed strike Glus. It turns out that Bob had followed Tom and hid on a pillar.
The moment Tom had prised the diamond from the golden crown with his dagger he set of to silence war for ever. Tom took some of the blood soaked Treasure and set of with the diamond in his hand. With his strength he crafted heavy duty iron armour. Washed his garments and got ready to set off. Walking on battle fields he always felt anxious but touching the diamond he always felt clam. Every hut he went into he felt that he would be there for a very long time as you would not just say ok when someone ask's you to stop war and make peace. Convinced, the generals made peace. Soon war stopped. Tom was made king and Bob was made prince and together they ruled the world. The diamond was fitted back in the crown amongst all the other jewels and from that day on Tom never took it off.
And that's how it began...
How has your writing has improved this term?
My writing have improved because the paragraphs and ideas link and they flow smoothly.
The part of my story I am most proud of is….because…
The paragraph I am most proud of is the first paragraph because I have used precise words and also I have added imagery.
Next time, what is a goal you can work towards?
Next time I could work adding more imagery because it gives the reader more information then just telling them.
Feedback: I love how you drew me into you'r story it was really well thought the words you decided to put in it.
Feedforward: Next time you could add some dialog to express the attitudes of the characters.
Josiah
Mitchel I really like how you have made your story intense at all times
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